Queer Futures Hits the Gym
“It’s January babes. So naturally we thought we would share some of our resolutions and determinations as we enter into what will ultimately be our year. 2022 brought trials and challenges, mostly trials, some personal but mainly legal, and it’s safe to say, we have all grown as individuals, criminals but mainly as a: family. Self-cloning has been such a humbling experience, because there are now literally two of me lol and honestly, this has crippled my ego in a huge way. I wish I could say this is for the best but I had to take up fencing in order to retain any sense of individuality and self. Unfortunately fencing has really brought out the worst in me i have to say. So in my attempt to totally reinvent myself so that I will be distinguishable from my clone, who is equally if not more unbearable than me, here are my new year's resolutions.
1. Spend less time on my phone.
Since the clone learns from our digital data trails, I'm becoming quite worried that she is being fed the literal worst parts of me. Like the actual soggy dregs of biscuit at the bottom of a cup of tea. To qualify for a data clone, your data trail had to be above a certain threshold, i think it was 20TB. It’s not a figure that means much to me, I qualified with flying colours, but let’s just say you need more than your 2012 facebook statuses to reconstruct a person. And when my clone was constructed, it was striking how alike we were actually. I guess I’ve always kept it pretty real online. But there are tiny habits she has, little quirks, that I also have and I have no idea which of my data possibly could have taught her that. It’s quite alarming actually, but I try not to think about it. So yes, I’m trying to use my phone less this year, create less data. The plan is to try to phase her out a little because she’s actually extremely exhausting. I even downloaded some apps to help me track my screen time.
2. Go to the gym.
I am beginning to be afraid we might have to go on the run. I am under heavy government surveillance, not to mention house arrest for my data fraud attempt when I tried to raise my clone on the data trail of Timothy Chalamet. The only thing they don’t know is that I was actually partially successful and now I am living with a demi-god of a clone. I named her Twomethee as a clever riffing off the fact that she is both my clone and reminiscent of the lesbian icon. I know she has powers that me, her earthly counterpart, can’t keep secret forever but all I know is when the world finds how criminally good looking she is, we won’t be safe any longer. I got a gym membership yesterday and am ambitiously hoping to bench Timothee Chalamet by the end of the month.
I have realised that I need to start keeping secrets from my clone. But since all of my digital activity is fed straight into her consciousness, I’m having to go analog. There has been an epidemic in the queer community of people falling in love with their clones and I am afraid that I too have been severely struck. I realised that my clone is unfortunately my type, since my clone looks a lot like me and I am deeply self involved. Eek haha. I am now planning how we might take up fake identities and escape the grips of this oppressive regime. I think I will get myself a moleskin, hopefully this will motivate me to write more!
4. Travel more.
Nowhere is safe on this planet for Me and Twomethee, it has become clear. We might have to leave earth, which would make us the first straight lesbian couple in space. There is a high chance we will be invited on The Ellen Show for this, which I try to remind myself every time I have second thoughts about the life threatening potential of this highly fraudulent endeavour.
5. Save money.
I have realised that if I start an extraplanetary matriarchy I could save a lot of money, since there is not yet any currency in space! It’s a major opportunity. This way I would be able to save up to buy tickets to see Kate Bush live in concert. I'm particularly keen to catch the 1979 show, but I should be able to make that on time if I make some progress on light speed travel. I will write myself a to-do list today so that hopefully I get started with that project. Omg literally so much to do.
6. Get productive.
Yes, the biggest issue I have had on this planet is that there are not yet any people here so I will need to produce some. Since I am the only one with original genetic information on this planet, it does unfortunately mean that I could eventually start a nation of clones of myself. Which is actually not that unfortunate for me, in fact I think it would be quite lovely. It’s a soothing prospect that I think could help alleviate some of my self esteem issues since there will be no one to compare myself to except for well… myself!
This year has started off amazingly, I have a really good feeling about this one. Since we had to traverse spacetime boundaries to get here, we are now living somewhere in the 56th century which is crazy. But it does mean that it is truly going to be my year!”
That was all just an introduction to our actual Queer Futures reflections and new year determinations, which we’ve put on a separate page here.
18 January, 2023